‘Four years on, my partner still won’t go on holiday with me’ - The Times

Q. I’m quite strict with what I eat and will usually only eat one or two meals a day rather than all three. However, friends have booked an all-inclusive hotel in Turkey for a weeklong trip and it looks like it will be all terrible restaurants with fried foods and sweet cocktails, and they all want to eat dinner together at 7pm (I often don’t eat dinner). I’ve mentioned my concerns but they think I’m being antisocial. How can we ensure group harmony?

A. It’s taken a lot of self-control and determination, but I’ve managed to give up dieting. My idea of a “balanced diet” is to have a slice of cake in one hand and a glass of champers in the other. But nothing makes me lose my appetite faster than a fervent dieter’s monotonous mantras of kilo dissection and “clean eating” options.

Seated next to an Oxford don at a dinner party recently, I was so looking forward to his nourishing food for thought. What would we discuss first? Proustian philosophies or achieving world peace? Well, the big brainiac had some weighty issues in mind, as in … calorie intake. His entire conversation revolved around the paleo diet versus 5:2 intermittent fasting. This renowned intellectual spent more time chewing over the merits of each mouthful than actually masticating. As guests’ eyes glazed over, I seriously considered impaling him on the end of his fork prongs.

There’s nothing more exasperating than friends who take up dieting with evangelical zeal. Some of my girlfriends eschew carbs with the same fervour they’d avoid a plutonium-riddled Russian spy. The more they obsess about dieting, the less inclined I am to see them.

Holidays with friends are about going with the flow and fitting in. And if that means digging into fried food and downing a cocktail or ten, so be it. Surely, what comes out of a friend’s mouth is so much more important than what goes in?

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Unless your dietary restrictions are medically motivated — allergies, heart disease, diabetes etc — why not shelve your anxieties for a week, along with your kale, quinoa, mung beans and microgreens? You’re on vacation. Kick back. Have fun. My top holiday tip is to eat what you like, then hit the dance floor to gyrate — I call it the disco diet.

One morning I woke having clocked up 12,000 steps on my Fitbit. I was confused at first. Had I been jogging in my sleep? Did I drink too much and athletically bonk the bartender up and down the beach? My sore tootsies then reminded me that I’d been bopping to Abba anthems until half past two.

So, if you’re dieting for aesthetic reasons, take a chill pill. In fact, don’t just forgo dieting for this holiday but for ever. I have a strong suspicion that if Mother Nature had wanted to see our skeletons, they’d be on the outside of our bodies.

If you really only want to eat two meals a day, why not skip breakfast and join your friends for lunch and dinner? And remember that, when holidaying, anything eaten when upgraded on a plane, nibbled from a cocktail stick at a pool party or licked off a lover’s body is magically devoid of calories.

Having no appetite for food indicates no appetite for life. The dieting professor ended the night by nagging his very jolly wife to lose her “unsightly fat”. I proposed that this could be achieved by simply divorcing her ego-bloated hubby. As they left I also suggested, sotto voce, that she surreptitiously turn up his bathroom scales by half a stone. And if caught, deny it all. There’s only one thing a woman shouldn’t eat: her words.

For maximum romance on a minimum spend try the Caribbean

ALAMY

‘Four years on, my partner still won’t go on holiday with me’

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Q. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four years, but in that time we have never been away together for longer than a night. However, he goes on lads’ holidays several times a year, claiming this is normal behaviour. We visit his parents in Dorset regularly (we live in London) and he thinks that’s a break because they own a farm in the countryside. How can I convince him to go away with me?

A. If your relationship keeps boring this way you’ll strike oil. Forget your boyfriend’s parents’ farm and go sow some wild oats. And don’t try to “convince him”. Simply book the holiday as a fait accompli. Choose somewhere romantic. If he refuses, then head off on a retaliatory ladettes’ break. Or go alone. Solo travel for women has never been so easy or so popular. With any luck you’ll then meet a man who is more adventurous and passionate. There are many more fish in the sea — especially when you’re splashing about in the Caribbean, the Ionian or the Aegean.

Make it happen

The best plan is to avoid Dorset and lads’ holiday destinations — Prague and Amsterdam included — at all costs. Instead, going long haul will wow your boyfriend, wherever he’s been before. For maximum romance on a minimum spend try the Caribbean. Prices are lower in hurricane season — from now to November — despite some islands rarely experiencing more than an afternoon rainstorm. Barbados has not been seriously impacted by a hurricane for decades and you can snag a week’s stay in September from £995pp, including direct flights (tui.co.uk).

Do you need Kathy’s help with a travel problem? Email us at travel@sunday-times.co.uk

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